“It’s the time you have wasted for your rose that makes your rose so important.” – Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
I sit here in unfamiliar territory, not sure where to go. A memory pops into my head of a moment that felt just like this, but 24 years in the past.
I was off on my 1st overseas trip. I had decided I wanted to visit Ireland, so off I flew once the school year ended. Not sure what the attraction was that Ireland held for me then - I'm about as German as one can get (though some would say I have a "wee bit of the blarney" within me. Anyway, after 14 hours of flying, I remember landing at Shannon Airport in southwest Ireland. I scrambled to find the rental car agency there; got my keys and set off to find the car I had bravely planned to drive around Ireland for the next two weeks.
I found it and threw my backpack in it, and then suddenly came to a complete halt. I remember actually feeling a shiver - even though I was standing in the bright morning sun in that parking lot. The shiver was produced by the sudden realization that this was it. I was here. In an unknown land. Totally unfamiliar to me. And it was completely up to me to get myself to wherever I was headed. The plan had been to drive myself to the city of Galway, about an hour away, to stay at a hotel I had booked. On paper, that had seemed so simple. But now - at that very moment - I felt as if I was on the moon. Alone. Frozen. Not sure how - or it which direction - to take a step. And there was no turning back.
So I stood there, still. And I remember just catching my breath. And waiting. Not sure for what - but just waiting. And after a few moments, I moved. Got into the car (though it took two tries to do so - the Irish drive on the left - so I had gotten in on the wrong side initially) - and off I went. And to make a long story short, my 1st great adventure began.
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| A scene from Galway. Walking the streets in 1998 |
But I felt lost - in unfamiliar territory - unsure in which direction to take a step. I watched my brain struggle to find something "familiar" to grab on to so it could "get going". And I heard a small whisper try to convince me to "Quit" - "Nothing here today for you". Go back to the living room and quit wasting time.
But over the years, I've slowly learned the value of WAITING. Of being willing to let something flower in the seeming emptiness. As de Saint-Exupery observes in the quote at the top, it is the WAITING: the willingness to spend time, still and receptive, that brings forth that which is beautiful and has value.
Too often, we run from the emptiness. Or more honestly, we immediately fill it with something. Familiar thoughts and feelings. Things to Do. Plans for tomorrow. Regrets about the past. Certainty about what's "right" and "wrong". Judgments: about others and oneself.
I know I do. That's why it's so hard at first to still in a quiet moment (for longer than a minute or two) - and just be still. And see what New might come.
As our teacher Guy Finley said to us recently, "You are meant to be always New - not afraid of being New. Stop trying to escape the emptiness by filling it with empty images. Leave the Door open. Let the Moment pour into your awareness and pour back out."
So I sat here, with the door open. And look what came. Certainly nothing I ever expected. But a rose for sure. A rare one that I could have never imagined.
“I give you this to take with you: Nothing remains as it was. If you know this, you can begin again, with pure joy in the uprooting.” – Judith Minty
Life is exchange. For something new to appear, something old must be given up. This truth is being made evident all around me on this wet spring afternoon. The pansies and petunias...the cherry trees and lilac bushes...all waiting to be made new once more.
Another Pearl in the pocket...
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