"When I get older losing my hair, many years from now...Will you still be sending me a Valentine, birthday greetings, bottle of wine? If I'd been out till quarter to three, would you lock the door? Would you still need me, would you still feed me...when I"m 64?" (The Beatles)
These thoughts have been rumbling around in my head - like a pair of knotted socks tumbling in the dryer - for the last several months. Something in me wanted to write about this, and another part of me kept dodging the chance to. Interesting dance to watch inside - kind of like playing "peek-a-boo" with oneself. But I finally got myself to sit down and sit still enough to let whatever's inside to come out. I'll be as surprised as you...
I'm about 1/2 way through Year 65 for me on this planet, and I have felt something significant about this year the whole time I've been living it. It has certainly been turbulent; most notably as a result of the beginning of my "from this day forward" dance with cancer. In 9 days, I'll be commemorating the one year anniversary of my surgery. All went well, and has been well. I am happy and healthier than I've ever been.
But this event triggered in me a number of things: call them thoughts, or realizations, or discoveries...I'm not sure which fits best. But all of them have been new for me. Unlike anything I've previously thought, or realized, or discovered. They've all centered around the realization that I'm now an age that is "officially old". 65. Six decades, and then some. Retirement, Social Security, Medicare, "Senior" discounts at stores, AARP, 5 pm dinner times, nothing like a good pair of slippers and a cup of tea, one glass of wine puts one to sleep, 830 pm means "Good night, Irene" - that's the world of 65. That's what 65 meant to me.
And as I've reached 65, I've learned that much of this is true. I cannot ignore that I'm older; the aches are a little more frequent and my pace has slowed a bit. But, as I suspect is true for most people when they age, I don't FEEL older emotionally inside. To some degree, the same Jonathan stares out of these eyes at the world. And this Jonathan sees much that has changed in the world, while inside, it feels a constancy about himself.
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But I know I've changed. And that's what I've wanted to reflect on. At this point in my life, how have I changed? What is important to me now? What no longer is? And most importantly, am I "aging gracefully"? I don't know who coined that phrase, but it's an intention of mine. It seems to me that that is a CHOICE that we all ultimately have: How interested am I in being a wiser, nicer, more dignified, respectful, kinder, grateful human being as my time on this Earth begins to move to its conclusion? That choice is offered to all of us at all times in our lives. But I think it gets overlooked in the hustle and bustle of us "becoming something" and "living our lives". Only when we're older does its significance loom larger in our lives...if we're lucky. So here are some thoughts.
"Aging is an extraordinary process where you become the person you always should have been." (David Bowie)
1. I know that I value SIMPLE PLEASURES more deeply than I ever had. The evening cup of tea. Walks in the park with Deborah: dry leaves swirling our feet as we stroll among the quiet sentinels of fir and maple The unexpected pleasure in another person's eyes when you say something positive to them, like "Good job!" or "You impressed me" or simply "Thank you for being kind". Just sitting on my deck in the summer and watching the sun set on the golden hills.
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| A Simple pleasure: Misty morning at the golf course |
And, yes, there's a small part of me that will wonder whether all my "adventuring" is done. It sadly sighs, thinking there are no more "epic stories' to live and tell. And I worry at times about getting stuck in a world of daily ruts and routines. I know I'm a creature of habits. But I'm growing more comfortable with the new "adventures" being the explorations of the inner kind. As I get older, I'm getting more and more familiar with my true nature: both good and not so good. And that is a valuable Pearl.
2. I enjoy the independence and freedom that both Deborah and I enjoy. We are lucky to be comfortable financially. This enables us to spend our days as we wish now. And best of all, we each get to spend them with our best friend. There can be no greater blessing.
Yet, I've also noticed an odd feeling of "unimportance". This is something no one ever tells you comes with aging...and it's certainly foreign to someone who's been a teacher and coach and leader of sorts through most of his life. At 65, I'm seeing how it's easy to feel like none of "the world" cares about you or what you think anymore. You're a "Boomer". The world is seemingly run by 30-45 year olds. Advertisers only market drugs and vitamins to you. Entertainment seems designed to only shock you. The traditional values that you grew up with seem to have been tossed aside. The world looks to be a mess - and there's nothing you can do about it.
But in those moments I'm reminded of this quote and its timeless truth:
“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” (Viktor Frankl)
And so I smile...and am grateful to still keep choosing a new way as it unfolds before me.
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| A big Thanksgiving smile on a walk in our favorite park |
3. Finally, I've learned the true value of two simple words. I have said these two words more often in the last year than I have in the previous 20 years of my life. They have helped give me clarity during difficult times; they have taught me both hope and patience; they have allowed Life to give me gifts that I could've never given myself. What are those two words?
WE'LL SEE. We'll see.
They remind me of the fact that life on the Earth will ultimately reveal to us all, whether we agree with it or not. We are creatures born of a Higher nature. There is a Divine force and purpose in this world that is truly beyond our comprehension. For too long we struggle trying to "be the Creator" ourselves - convinced that we "control" Life, others, events, etc.. Only Time can ultimately prove the futility of that belief. As I've gotten older, it's been a little easier for me to doubt the certainty of what Jon thinks "he knows". I've come to more graciously accept that "what is" in a moment is more real than "what should be". And in the end, "what is" is really never static. Life is always being born, growing, living, dying, being reborn. "We'll see" reminds me of that reality and gift.
It's been worthwhile to spend the time writing these thoughts down. I know I will reflect back on them. I'm sure there will be a Jonathan in the future who will need to be reminded of these insights. And I'm sure there will be more Pearls to come as my travels through Life continue.
We'll see.
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| Life's Journey - Storms and Sunshine |
