A Wondrous Journey (Ch. 4): Super Bowl Sunday and "Moving Rocks"

"As big a deal as the Super Bowl is, it's not the most important thing going on in the planet." (Tony Dungy, 2-time Super Bowl Champion, as a NFL player and as a Head Coach)

This coming Sunday is the Super Bowl - an event that has practically become a national holiday in the U.S. Ironically, the two teams playing in it this year are the same two that were playing back in 2005 when I first began courting Deborah! Anyway, it all reminded me of a short, but memorable story on that day 13 years ago.

For all of my adult (single) life, I had spent Super Bowl Sunday like every other red-blooded American male. I got together with my fantasy football buddies (known as "The Z-Boys" of the Zonker Football League) and watched the 6 hours of pre-game hype, football highlights, half-time commercials, and post-game analysis ad nauseum, all while consuming large quantities of nachos, grilled meats and beer (with nary a vegetable in sight!). It was all quite "manly" fun. But that all changed when I met Deborah.

It changed because I fell in love! (Yes - Love conquers even the NFL!). On this Super Bowl Sunday (believe it or not), I WILLINGLY spent the whole Sunday shopping for new furniture for my apartment (see Chapter 3 of this story!). Deborah and I spent 3-4 hours looking at sofas, chairs and ottomans while the rest of America was glued to their TVs. 

Deborah didn't mind because she doesn't follow sports at all (especially football!), but she did feel guilty for "making me" miss most of it. I tried to tell her that I was perfectly happy not watching the game at all. But when we got home in time for the 2nd 1/2, she ordered me to sit in my recliner; gave me a bowl of popcorn; and told me to just relax and watch the game while she fixed dinner. I was living "every man's fantasy"! How could I not love this woman!?

But I couldn't just sit and watch (typical of me). I kept jumping up to try to help in the kitchen (but what did I know about making real Italian lasagna!) or to putter around somewhere else in the apartment. I know a part of me felt "guilty" and worried about being a "good host' to my girlfriend. 

The biggest reason, though, that I had no interest in the biggest sporting event of the year, was that I was in love. I preferred spending time, being with, talking to, and sharing the day with my "Sweetie" (the nickname I've called her ever since we started dating). I had spent my whole life watching sports on TV. I was ready to do something else - especially when it was with a beautiful, intelligent, enticing woman like Deborah. That attitude grew in me that day - and ever since.

Something else happened that evening that is a special memory as well. After the game ended, all I looked forward to was relaxing on the couch, watching a movie, and maybe "smooching" with my Sweetie. But Deborah had different plans. (A pattern that still occurs today in our lives!).

She found an old rock water fountain packed away in one of my closets and wanted to put it back together to decorate my hallway. When I softly grumbled as I peeled myself off the couch to do this new "chore", she cheerfully said, "I can do this. You just sit and rest". But "duty-driven" Jonathan didn't hear. I got up and begin fussing around with the fountain: spilling water, piling up rocks that then clattered all over the floor, and making a general mess.

As I fussed, I got grumpier and grumpier, and completely forgot Deborah was even in the room, until I heard her laughing behind me on the couch. As I sheepishly turned around, she said, "You're so funny - so silly! I wanted to put the fountain together. But you just bulled ahead and started doing it, even though you KNEW you didn't want to. So silly! So I just decided to sit here and watch you grump around "moving rocks", if that's what you want to do!" It wasn't - and I apologized. But I learned a valuable lesson.

I learned that Deborah was very intuitive - and also very honest. She could see and sense things about me that no one else I knew ever had before, and she wasn't afraid to tell me what she saw. I have valued her honesty because it encouraged the same in me, and always helped me grow.

Most importantly, she had also taught me something very valuable about Real Love that I didn't know then. Because I'd never been in a relationship before, a part of me thought it needed to "be perfect" in order to be loved. It naively believed that "conflict" of any kind was "bad" and that those in love should never disagree or disappoint each other. But none of that is true. Real Love exists above any conflict and is perfect in itself. When one continues to love in spite of the disappointments, conflicts, the "flaws" that may come, then that love is true and lasting. It is a lucky man and woman who know this kind of love. I'm grateful that we do.

Love is a game that two can play and both win. ~Eva Gabor

I'm still learning new lessons every day about the strength of the love that we share. But I'll never forget these lessons learned on Super Bowl Sunday 2005 about the "game" of Love. They've blessed me ever since.

Deborah giving me a smooch this summer at a winery in Solvang. I'm a happy dude!

Precious Pearls - Quotes That Have Inspired Me (#2)

Yesterday's post was so much fun, I had to come back today with another. This quote is truly one of my most favorite.

Dr. King's message about the times in which one's true character and courage are revealed has always inspired me because it seemed to speak to epic moments; to dark, divisive battles that life challenged someone to face. It always seemed to speak of a moment when a "hero" - someone exceptional - was called to rise. And history is filled with those types of stories: special men and women who've stood for something Higher when it was most difficult to do so.

Life asks us: "In this moment - be it comfortable or challenging - Where do you stand? What is your first Love? What will you stand FOR?

And I certainly know that in the most painful and disappointing moments of my life:

• When my coaching career ended in a storm of parent complaints and accusations
• When I knew I needed to quit smoking
• When I've had to admit I hadn't been honest with Deborah and felt her anger and disappointment
• When family members or friends have hurt or disappointed me

I have felt Life asking me those questions - and I have suffered, or grown, based on my choices.

But as I've gotten older, I've begun to realize that this choice is something Life is ALWAYS presenting to ALL of us - in each and every moment. And it doesn't take an exceptional person to "answer the call". It just takes a willingness to Be Present and to Consciously Choose. So I'm trying to be more aware of this in even the smallest, most routine moments - even those that seem happiest or most comfortable.

What will I stand FOR in this Moment? What do I love? What will I be an expression of? 

• Will I give my best, even if I don't feel at my best?
• Will I be honest, even if being so reveals something I don't want to see?
• When I feel I have every right to be angry, resentful, impatient, etc. will I not inflict it on another?
• Will I enjoy this moment - with gratitude - and then be willing to let it go?

As I said earlier, a lot will be learned by the choices I make. Writing this has helped me see this quote in a whole new way. 

One more new precious Pearl in my pocket...

Precious Pearls - Quotes That Have Inspired Me (#1)

I've been trying to come up with an idea for some new, shorter blog entries so I'll be tempted to write more often. This will be my first attempt. I've always collected quotes throughout my life: posted them on my wall in my classrooms, shared them with friends, etc. So in this ongoing series of posts, I'll share a quote that inspired me and a brief reflection on it. I think it'll be fun to see what I choose.

This quote is one I read from Guy Finley's book "The Seeker, The Search, The Sacred". It's a little long, but it is a simple prayer that has always moved me.

A Creed for Those Who Have Suffered (by an unknown Confederate soldier)

"I asked God for strength that I might achieve...

I was made weak that I might learn humbly to obey.

I asked for health that I might do greater things...

I was given infirmity that I might do better things.

I asked for riches that I might be happy...

I was given poverty that I might be wise.

I asked for power that I might have the praise of men...

I was given weakness that I might feel the need of God.

I asked for all things that I might enjoy life...

I was given life that I might enjoy all things.

I got nothing that I asked for...

but everything I had hoped for.

Almost despite myself, my unspoken prayers were answered.

I am among all men most richly blessed."

This prayer reminds me of so many things that I so easily forget, and my mind wants to launch off into some serious intellectual musings about this prayer. But I want to keep this simple. I want to simply remember what I feel each time I read this, because that's why it inspired me.

Humility
Surrender
Connection
Gratitude

And out of all of that, I realize, comes real Strength...and real Peace.

That's a real Pearl worth remembering.

Something New to Work At (and Love): Me and Golf

"If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf." ~ Bob Hope

Five years ago when I retired from full-time teaching, my sweet wife said to me, "You need to get a hobby. If you don't, you're going to drive me crazy being around all the time. I can't be your "hobby". And as Deborah said this to me - in the most loving manner - I knew two things were absolutely true:

• I did not want to drive my beautiful wife crazy (because I know she really loves me!), so I knew she was right... But...
• I also had absolutely no idea what I might do as a "hobby".

I was so perplexed, I had to look up the definition of "hobby":"An activity done regularly in one's leisure time for pleasure." Hmmm....well...when I was single, I used to ride my bike a lot and travel in my leisure time. We still travel regularly, so I'm doing that. Grants Pass (where I live) isn't as safe a place to ride bikes around (crazy drivers!), so I've cut back on that. I read a little...but that didn't sound like anything new. I was stumped. What did I do in those hours that I wasn't working or at the Foundation?

Deborah was right. She had become my "hobby". In my leisure time, we were almost always together: at home hanging out or working out; or going out on the town, or shopping, or even doing chores. I knew it would be healthy for me to find something new to spend time doing. But what??

Deborah said, "Why don't you play golf? Isn't that what retired guys do? You can play with some of the men from the Foundation. They play all the time". When she first said that, I balked like a grumpy mule. "I'm not interested in golf. Don't want to", I neighed. She'd ask me why, and I usually replied - being the highly skilled male communicator that I am - with the mature, thoughtful response of "Because I don't want to". So what was behind this resistance?

I had golfed a little - mostly back in my coaching days.Many of my friends were avid golfers and I would usually join them for a round once a year.  One of them even sold me 25 years ago the antiquated clubs I had, hoping it would encourage me to play more often. But I never took a lesson; just kind of tried to teach myself the best I knew how. So subsequently, I wasn't very good (though my buddies often said I had "potential" because of my athleticism). 

I think the biggest reason I didn't like to golf was because it never seemed to me that golfers had any fun! Some of the guys I played with were often loud and obnoxious - and they took the game very "seriously" - cursing and muttering after any shot that displeased them. One "friend" (now more of a "distant acquaintance") - after rattling two long drives off nearby houses on a hole - slung his offending driver into the nearest pond. He then finished the hole in memorable fashion by missing 3 putts, and then snapping his putter over his knee and impaling the two pieces into the green as he stormed off. Yeah. Real fun. But Deborah - and Life - gently persisted.  And I'm glad they did.

Two years ago, my friend Doug approached me and said he'd be willing to give me some free lessons if I wanted to learn how to play. Doug was being kind, but I also knew he had an ulterior motive. He was putting on a small golf tournament as a fundraiser for the Foundation that summer and he wanted me to get involved and help him. So I took him up on his offer. The biggest initial reason I agreed was because I knew it was a good thing for me to CHALLENGE myself. I think the older we get, the less and less we seek out challenges: New things to learn, new activities that push us beyond what we think we can do already. But would golf become something I "enjoyed doing"? That remained to be seen.

Doug gave me lessons for a couple of weeks, and over the course of the next couple of months, began to invite me to come play with him. He was always very encouraging, plus he was an excellent teacher. He had been playing golf for over 50 years so he was talented as a player, but also as an instructor. His ability to give me simple techniques and drills helped my skills begin to grow for the first time. But what really changed my interest in the game was how Doug began teaching me that golf was a perfect "laboratory" for the inner life principles that we learn at the Foundation. 

He described this as "Letting Go Golf": a new approach to the game where instead of playing - filled with stress, fear, and frustration - only worried about our scores and how good or bad we played - we worked to use each swing, each moment as a chance to observe ourselves. A key phrase we used to remind ourselves to do this was "Begin Again": After each shot, take in any useful impressions we might have of it, then take a deep breath and start over. If an "inner judge" was criticizing what had just happened, we worked to catch it and let it go. 

“One of the most fascinating things about golf is how it reflects the cycle of life. No matter what you shoot – the next day you have to go back to the first tee and begin all over again and make yourself into something.” -Peter Jacobsen

"Begin Again" helped spark in me a new love for golf. Deborah's dad and a friend gave me some nicer clubs to play with. I now play or practice every week. Deborah bought me all sorts of nice golf clothes and gear so I'm now a real "Joe Golfer"! Deborah has even started to learn to play too, so now we have something new that we share. 

I'm glad I was open to learning something new and accepting a new "challenge". I look forward to writing more about the lessons "Letting Go Golf" has been teaching me. So many new Pearls learned from something that's becoming more than just a "hobby".

“As you walk down the fairway of life you must smell the roses, for you only get to play one round.” -Ben Hogan

And I'm glad I get to share it and walk down a fairway or two, smelling the roses, with a pretty amazing partner!

A Wondrous Journey (Ch. 3): "Falling in Love in "Linens & Things"

"Love begins at home, and it is not how much we do...but how much love we put in that action." ~ Mother Teresa

As the New Year (2005) began, Deborah and I began to see each other more and more often. I would drive to Grants Pass 1-2 times a week to go to class at the Foundation with her. I had promised that I would keep attending with her at least once a week; usually on Fridays, so I could stay the night. But I was finding the classes so meaningful - and staying with her so enjoyable - that I was soon going on Wednesday nights as well. The things I was learning from Guy's talks inspired me and also challenged me. I could feel an inner longing that I'd had for a long time to be connected to something higher than myself, and to see things about myself, finally being filled.

We would go out to dinner when I got into town - nothing fancy, because...well...it was Grants Pass! If she got off early from work, we'd go to "Matzukaze" for Japanese food: Vegetable tempura, Inari, and Chicken Katsu. Or after class, we'd go to "Applebee's" for Oriental Chicken rollups and "Perfect Margaritas" (Yum!). We would laugh. We would flirt. We would talk about what we had learned in class. Slowly, we got to know each other and enjoyed being a "couple".But what brought us together the most in the first 2 months of our relationship wasn't class at the Foundation or those dinner dates. It was an "adventure" (at least for me!) that was a true "leap of faith".

Deborah came and stayed the night in Medford at my apartment a couple of times. She said she enjoyed "getting away" - even to my humble abode. But it wasn't too long after her 2nd visit that she announced, "It's time to do some serious cleaning and remodeling here!". 13 years of bachelor life at 2190 Poplar Drive #51 were about to be swept and shook and dusted and shaken! And rightly so because I had to sheepishly admit that my "housecleaning philosophy" was probably best summed up as:

"A bright person can always think of something better to do than housework." ~ Ruby Lou Barnhill

I think Deborah was shocked when I readily agreed! I just knew I was ready for big changes in my dusty little life. I wanted to "sweep out the cobwebs" and start anew in so many different ways. And in answer to that wish, God had brought me my own "personal interior decorator" - in the body and mind of this cute, energetic Italian blonde!

So we began spending each weekend together, working at transforming the dark dungeon of my apartment into a cleaner, lighter place: a home to be proud of, as well as a suitable "retreat" for a pretty woman.

• Deborah scrubbed things and waxed things that had never been touched by me
• I ventured into each of my closets and sifted through boxes that hadn't been touched in a decade and begin discarding years of accumulated flotsam and jetsam. The hardest things to throw away were boxes of files from my coaching days. So many years; so much effort. And so much pain at the end. I needed to let go of it all, and I finally did.

Together we worked to "unclutter" my world and my walls. Down came the dozens of posters and calendars and photos that had lined my walls in neat rows, and filled my apartment with faces I could turn to when lonely. Out went all the Sports Illustrated "Swimsuit Edition" calendars that I tried to say were "art". 

And boy did we shop! Deborah had me buying things that I had never bought - or even heard of before: A duvet for my bed; 1st new curtains and towels in 12 years; Artificial flowers and a vase; Sconces, mirrors, even a "breadbox" (fancy!), and so much more.

We spent hour after hour in "Martha Stewart Land", and we had so much fun together! She would get so excited as her VISION of "The New Look" for my place would began to develop. "Oh look, Jonathan!", she'd say... "Wouldn't that look great in your bedroom?!" "This lamp would be PERFECT in your hall!"..."You MUST get some new sheets, Jonathan! Those ones are HORRID!" "Jonathan - this sofa really must go!". And my reply to her was almost always the same: "Yes, Sweetie. You're right!".

We laughed as we shopped, but in retrospect I also think we learned so much about each other. Deborah showed me her imagination and creativity. I was touched by her thoughtfulness: she was always careful not to suggest too "radical" of  changes for this cautious "client". I was impressed with her thriftiness - she was (and still is!) a bargain shopper "extraordinaire"! She was patient with me when I balked at a suggestion - and especially when I got grumpy and hungry at the end of an afternoon of house shopping. And I think Deborah learned valuable things about me too: how patient and easy going I was; that I was genuinely open to change and new ideas, and who knows what else (you'd have to ask her!).

We learned how to be A COUPLE in the aisles of "Linens & Things", "Macy's", "Ross", and "Fred Meyers". We laughed together. Worked together. We listened to each other's dreams and plans. We playfully teased and touched each other. Together, we "built a new world" out of my simple studio apartment. 

"A house is made of walls and beams; a home is built with love and dreams." ` Author Unknown 

The ironic thing was that after all this work, I only lived in my newly redone "bachelor pad" for another 3 months. In May 2005, we decided I'd move in with her in her house in Grants Pass. 

Looking back, though, I'm grateful for this time we spent together.  I think it was "practice"; a "rehearsal" for a life long bachelor to begin to learn what it means to share his life with a partner, a friend, a lover. I had had roommates before, but I had begun to learn the true joys of sharing a life - and home - with someone I LOVED. 

I had for the first time in my adult life - a home. And I learned that there's only one thing that can transform 4 walls and all within it into something beautiful and inviting. A woman's love.

A scene from our front yard - 2005

"Where is home?  Home is where the heart can laugh without shyness.  Home is where the heart's tears can dry at their own pace." ~ Vernon Baker