Life is A Series of Commas, Not Periods

 This blog entry was inspired by an online talk I gave about a week ago. Longtime students of the Life of Learning Foundation are given the chance to give talks on selected topics that Guy Finley, the Director, has been speaking about - so Deborah and I have this opportunity about once a month. We speak to an online audience of about 70 students in a night - and these classes are always valuable in deepening what we learn. That was true for this talk. I was speaking on the topic of "Learn to Embrace Life's Most Difficult Moments', and what I learned was truly a Pearl to be treasured.

I want to begin tonight by sharing a memory with you. It comes from my last day at South Medford High School when I retired 9 years.

All we retirees were given a chance to say something to our colleagues: say a fond "Goodbye"; share some memories with our colleagues; and maybe even leave a parting "bit of wisdom". What I remember most from that afternoon was not what I said, but what an English/Special Ed teacher shared. Her name was Cyndy Selbe and this is what she said.

She began by asking, “What’s the difference between periods and commas?” (And we all groaned. Everyone hates grammar lessons!). But Cyndy pressed on.

“Periods, she said, bring an end to a sentence, idea. Indicate “FINISHED”, “DONE”. 

“Commas, on the other hand, inject a PAUSE giving way to something new: a clarification, a chance to reinforce something, to add new information, a change in direction.”

“Try to remember to not put PERIODS on each of your students, especially the ones that bother you the most. Work to use COMMAS with them and what they do. Clarify. Reinforce. Encourage them. Remember that your students, like Life, are always growing and capable of change.

WHAT A POWERFUL STATEMENT AND MESSAGE. 

It's power lies not only in the fact that I've seen the truth of it in my own experiences as a teacher and coach. But I can also see the Truth of it in my own relationship WITH Life.

So often, I can see that Jon is always trying to put a "Period" after the moments in his Life, especially the ones that disturb him. Here's just a handful of examples:

• I’ll be happy when I finally hit the golf ball straight. Every time. Period.

• I’m retired from working. Nothing should disturb me. Period.

• I’m certain I know what I believe about the world, about you, about the news, about myself, etc. Anything that challenges this is either wrong or an idiot. Period.

• In any moment, it's Jon's "job" to make sure everybody is happy. If they’re happy, I’m happy. Period.

• Families should never have to face difficult or unpleasant moments. If they do, just "get through it" as quickly as possible. Period.

YOU GET THE PICTURE. JON’S LIFE: FILLED WITH PERIODS. THE ENDS.

And as Guy so often asks, “How’s that going for you?” 

How successful have I been at controlling Life? At avoiding painful, unwanted moments? At trying to reach a point where Jon is "done", "complete", finished"?

And I know the answer. I am no more “successful” at placing and keeping all those "periods" in place than Sisyphus was pushing that boulder up the hill for eternity. 

At the beginning of this talk Guy said: “You’re always trying to “get around” Life, especially in difficult moments. RESISTANCE is your EXISTENCE.”

I can see the truth in that. I like to think that I'm a pretty "mellow" guy, but my days are pockmarked with small flashes of RESISTANCE to what just happened.

• When I hit one more "wormburner" on the golf course.

• When my wife asks me to fix something on her Iphone or computer that I don’t know already how to do (and it's after 6 pm when "no one should be asked to do anything at all except veg out!")

• When I watch the news and see one more bit of political news that lights my righteous fuse

• Or in a quiet moment alone, and my mind begins contemplating some unwanted medical news, and wondering "What's next?"

In all of these cases, the response within me is quick and almost always negative. "This isn't right!". "How can I fix or avoid this?" "I shouldn't be disturbed." "Let me go back to the comfortable life owed me." PERIOD. DONE.

But these reactions are powerless to return me to "real life". In fact, they SEPARATE me from Real Life. They're based on a perception that Jon already "knows" how Life should go, and that anything that challenges that belief is a "threat". But that belief then begs a question:

When did Jon become the "Creator" of Life? And all it takes to come to the honest answer to that question is to look out the window and see all that exists in front of me.

I am not the Creator of Life. I'm meant to be part of the Creation of Life. And if I am, then I am subject to the laws of Life, of Nature, just as all of God's creatures are. Guy asked this simple question in his talk:

“Is there any moment of creation that is ever really “finished”? 

All you have to do is look around and the answer is evident, especially in the fall.

EVERYTHING IS CEASELESSLY BEING BORN, CHANGED, AND DYING…AND BEING REBORN. EVERYTHING. 

Then how can the same not be true for me? And if this is true, then isn’t this evidence that that the Divine/God is present in EVERY MOMENT? Even in the most painful ones?

As I get older, the answer becomes clearer to me, bit by bit. God does not sprinkle PERIODS around as judgments or punishments in Life. He is constantly showering COMMAS, as invitations into a new, higher Life, if I'll simply look for them.

LIFE IS PUNCTUATED BY COMMAS, NOT PERIODS. 

The purpose of Life - especially the most painful moments - is not meant to PUNISH me - but to PERFECT ME. To reveal the TRUTH about me. 

I love the image of God as the Divine "Jeweler" and I'm his gemstone: a little "rough around the edges" and in need of some "polishing"; some "perfecting".

Difficult moments are the Divine’s “Wheel” - “polishing me” - Adding the “finishing touch” And I’m all in favor of a little “polishing”...aren’t you? But…

But Jon always wants the "polishing" to be done ("Just a little off the top, please"). Thus the PERIODS. But the Divine's "finishing touch" never ends. That is my blessing, and it is a timely one.

Recently I received some unwanted, unexpected news about my health. News more serious than I’ve ever received before. News that has led me to more doctor appointments and visits to medical facilities in the last 3 weeks than I've had in my life time.

And I'm grateful for the reminders that each of these moments - as unsettling as they might be on the surface - are really gifts. The Divine is "taking a little off the top", and in return giving me something much more valuable.

To end, I’ll share a couple of the lessons I’m learning…

1. The absolute necessity of STAYING PRESENT - HERE & NOW

• It's useless to waste any of my energy on “WHAT IF’S” or “REGRETS”

• Take one Step at a Time and let go of any “rush to resolve”anything. It's not in my power.

2. A growing and deeper appreciation for the VALUE of each Moment.

• Time is finite for us all. This is a fact that I've long ignored. But accepting it now makes so much of Life that much richer. It's brought Deborah and I closer. It's made even the smallest of things something to be treasured...and to be grateful for.

It's a shame to spend 60+ years of one's life before learning these kinds of lessons. But I guess there's no other way to learn them other than through experience, and with the help of a merciful and Divine teacher. 

I know more unwanted moments are in my future. It’s inevitable. I pray I’ll remember that the learning can continue because the commas will keep coming. That's a Pearl to put in your pocket.

Golf Is Not A Game of Perfect - Ten Valuable Reminders

 “Golf gives you an insight into human nature, your own as well as your opponent’s.“ -Grantland Rice

Rainy weather and some aching shoulders have convinced me to take a couple of days off from golf. But, as I've said in an earlier entry, I've become a certified "nut" about the sport. Can't stop thinking about the game even when I'm not playing it. I know. Certifiable. 

I've read a few books on the game and one of my favorites is "Golf is Not A Perfect Game", by Dr. Bob Rotella. Read it about a year ago. Great book. Full of wisdom, especially on the mental aspect of becoming a better player. So this afternoon I browsed back through the book and revisited the things I highlighted back then that have truly been helpful for me. Thought I'd share them here as well as any observations I have about them. Enjoy.

Golf Is Not A Game of Perfect - "Rotella's Rules"

1.  "Golfing potential depends primarily on 3 things: a player's attitude; his skill with his wedges and putter; and how well he thinks."

• Most players work on - at best - only 1 of these. I'm pretty good with my short game, but I've also been learning that "attitude" and "thinking about the game" has nothing to do with JUDGING oneself. 

2.  "Golf is not a game of perfect. No matter what happens with any shot, accept it. When a shot is done, it's done."

• The best golfers - and certainly the ones who have the most fun with it - have short memories.

3.  "Decide before the round starts how you're going to think, and do it every shot. Choose to think well. Have fun. Focus."

• The challenge of this is doing it the ENTIRE round. 

4.  "Learn to love the challenges. Why? Because the alternatives: anger, fear, whining, cheating - DO NO GOOD.

• This in itself is an absolute GEM to remember: not only on the golf course, but in the rest of Life!

A crazy shot by Jordan Spieth this year!

5.  "You cannot hit a golf ball consistently well if you think about the mechanics of your swing as you play. A golfer must train his swing, and then trust it." 

• I have slowly learned that THINKING about my shot has never helped me improve it. My mind can give me a MILLION thoughts about "fixing" the swing. But change only occurs when I can FEEL what needs to change. 

6.  "The foundation of consistency is a sound pre-shot routine."

• This has been the biggest challenge for me to stick to. Same set up and routine every time. Assess the shot. Pick the target. Visualize and practice swing. Look at target. Look at ball. Swing freely.

7.  "Before taking any shot, pick out the smallest target. Smaller the target, sharper the focus, better the results."

8.  "Hit the shot you know you can hit, not the one you think you OUGHT to be able to hit. Conservative strategy, Cocky swing,"

• In other words, I have to "know" my game, my tendencies, my strengths and weaknesses. You'd think you do, but it's surprising how often I'm playing and just "hoping" for things to happen "right".

9.  "Attitude is what makes a great putter. Balance determination with nonchalance. Believe you'll make the putt every time."

10.  "Love golf for what it teaches you about yourself."

• This last one is so true, and why I think I've become so much a fan of playing this game. There is no end to the learning that one can receive when golfing. The infinite variables of clubs, climate, grounds, competition, and mentality provide constant opportunities to learn something new. And the most valuable things I know I'm learning are those things that are inner and timeless: perseverance, honesty, striving for excellence, humility, staying in the present moment, letting go of what doesn't serve me....and always, always....starting over. The power of Beginning Again. 

I get them close, every now and then!

That's a nice list of reminders to carry with me the next time I go out. Thank you, Dr. Rotella, for inspiring these for me. Ten solid pearls. 

"I Was Raised By..." - A Lesson in Gratitude

 "Love your parents. We are so busy growing up, we often forget they are also growing old.”  (Unknown)

My mother has been on my mind lately. 

A Mom selfie with sibs and in laws - 2021. Makes me smile!

Somehow, as the unknown sage above noted, I've acutely noticed my own "growing up" and advancing age over the last few years: my retirement from the world of work and move into a more "leisurely" life; my own increasing aches and pains (When did just getting up out of a chair become an act to be accompanied by a mighty "groan and shuffle"?). 

But somehow I'm shocked by the fact that my mother has been aging and slowing down. Since I only see her maybe once a year so, I think my memory serves as a kind of "placeholder" - freezing her in a snapshot of my last visit - and ignoring the fact that time rolls on, eroding us all. 

Mom on her 75th birthday - 12 years ago

But she is aging. And inevitably, she will be gone - certainly sooner than my mind could ever imagine, because my mind cannot comprehend a world without my mom. That is the fate that awaits all of us.  A fate that we blithely ignore or dismiss for most of our adult lives, until the reality of it can no longer be avoided. And when that realization genuinely comes to us, we have a choice. We can either resist it or mourn it - greedily trying to hang on to what we call "our self" and the world we know. Or we can work to gratefully remember all that we've been given during this time called "our Life", and we can work to begin letting go of all seems so "important", for that which is Divine and Higher. We can take the time to remember what we Love. 

The Blazers' biggest fan - Spring 2021

So this entry is about being grateful. Grateful for all that my mother - Mary Ann Schnorenberg - has given me over my lifetime. It is inspired by a piece of writing that I did 3 years ago that I had forgotten about.  It was part of a writing assignment that an English teacher I was subbing for had given her students. It was in connection with a book they were reading (I forget the title). But as the students worked on writing their pieces, I decided to do the same as I sat at the teacher's desk. And this is what I wrote. I'm forever grateful to this teacher for the inspiration she unknowingly gave me that day. 

It's called "I Was Raised By..." I don't know if I ever shared it with anyone, but I want to now. Thanks to my sister Katy for many of the photos here. 

I WAS RAISED BY… (Feb. 2019)

I was raised by a small woman, but a strong one.

A lover of books, and a poet.

A digger in the dirt who planted flowers and green beans.

And sometimes just liked to sit and watch them grow.

Mom in the garden - 2019

A teacher of everything good that makes me who I am today.

“Be good and have fun – in that order.”

“And if you can’t do both, then be good.”

Small hands – but a big heart.

Mother of eight – who loved each of us as if we were the only one.

She planted her roots in her home and her children.

Mom and us kids on Mt. Hood - circa 1970

But her heart is with the birds, and the trees, and the squirrels.

I know she speaks their languages and knows them each by name.

I have seen – through her – how Love and Kindness can change the world.

Through her laugh. In the simple act of holding hands.

And in every letter, note, and card, she has scribbled and scrawled,

One of many letters she sent me

Timeless gifts. Overflowing with Love and confetti.

I cherish all of these things, and most of all, her.

Great things comes in small packages

Especially ones named Mary Ann…and Mom.

Mom and I on the night I proposed to Deborah - Christmas Eve 2005

Me, Izzy, Mom and Katy - Summer 2018

A quiet moment - May 2022

I love you Mom. Always. Your pioneer and poet, Jonathan

Moments Captured #4 - The Light of Smiles

 "Every smile makes you a day younger." ~ Chinese proverb

 

It's a quiet morning today. Nothing pressing to steal me away, until a chiropractor's appointment in a couple of hours. (Ugh - it's a "pain" - literally and figuratively - to get older!). But let's not get side-tracked on the "complaint caboose". Keep chugging along here.

So, I was just browsing through old photographs because I wanted to share some of my favorites again. I'm never quite sure which ones will catch my eye and spark me to include them. That's what makes this kind of entry fun for me. I wind up stumbling over some hidden "pearls" that I hadn't appreciated like I do now. Such is the case today.

Today's theme is "The Light of Smiles". Here are a handful of favorite pics of mine because I love the smiles that they captured. And those smiles ignite the same in me every time I see them.

Izzy and me at the beach - August 2015

This 1st photo is just precious! There is nothing like the pure smile of a happy dog! Izzy just loved going anywhere with us, but especially to the beach. She would run and run and run until she couldn't run anymore. And then she would just sit on my chest and smile. She died two years ago - and I miss her still today. A few tears when I think that thought...but mostly smiles remembering her love. 

Deborah and her cousins - June 2016

“The people who make you smile from just seeing them, those are my favorite people.” – Koi Fresco

One of my truly favorite photos: Deborah and the Hindy boys: her cousins (Robbie, Billy, and Tommy). This was my 1st chance to meet all of them with her. Sadly, what brought us all together was the funeral for their mother, Deborah's Aunt Mabel. Deborah loved Aunt Mabel dearly, and her sons were like big brothers to Deborah. She had told me many a story of them laughing, rough-housing, and teasing her, and deep down, I could tell she loved their attention. I took this picture at the restaurant we all gathered at after Mabel's funeral in order to remember and celebrate her there. It was a great afternoon - filled with love and smiles - as you can see. 

The Schnorenberg clan - "BAM!" August 1998

My family often got together for special "events" (traditional, i.e. Christmas, and imagined, i.e. "BAM!). And the gatherings almost always "required" a family photo to be taken to record the occasion. This photo (taken by then son-in-law Andy S.) is one of my favorite family shots. The occasion: "BAM!" 1998: A BBQ/Bragging rights summer event that we held for 9 years every summer (named after the inimitable TV chef Emeril Lagasse and his pet phrase when cooking!). The men cooked and bragged. The women judged and laughed at the men bragging. And we all smiled. My, my. Look how young and fresh-faced we all looked 25 years ago. It was rare to get the whole family together for this; we did this year.  A great family memory. 

The siblings and Mom - February 2019

And here we are much later. A little broader in the beam. A little grayer. My Dad is no longer with us. But smiles can still be found at the Ranch. 

Deborah and her parents - Cheers! - Solvang CA 2017

¨Better by far you should forget and smile than that you should remember and be sad.¨- Christina Rossetti

Deborah's parents live in southern California, so I've only a few occasions to meet and visit with them. For many years, we would arrange to meet somewhere in California and spend a few days together. Our last visit like that was in August 2017 when we met them in Solvang, a cute Danish town in southern California. They took us to Rusack Winery there, one that they belonged to, and I took this picture while we were eating lunch and enjoying the wine. The smiles of all 3 DeMattias here makes me smile. Danny Moe was a real character: New York Italian through and through. Generous. Full of stories. And you can tell in this picture that he loved his daughter...and she loved him. He too has passed away. A silent "Cheers" to Danny Moe from Jonny Teach (as he liked to call me).

Pinning a rose on the groom - May 21 2021 FLA

One of the proudest moments in both Deborah and my lives was when we celebrated her son Dan's marriage to a beautiful woman, Krystal, last year.  It was a moment that for years, we both wondered if it would even happen or if we'd even be there. No need to explain why. But it happened. And what made it even more special was that Dan and Krystal asked me to officiate their wedding - a first for me. And I proudly did. This photo taken by their photographer is of me fumbling through pinning the rose on Dan. I treasure seeing his smile. We had traveled a long road as stepfather and stepson in the 16 years leading up to this moment. I am proud to have been a father figure that he could rely on. And I'm humbled by the love that is silently expressed in this photo. Priceless. 

But to end this entry, there still is only one smile that is absolutely GUARANTEED to lighten my heart...to brighten my spirit...the smile that my eyes always seek...and fall in love with over and over...

Me and Deborah - TIPS Work Party June 2017

It doesn't matter where we are. At the beach. Working at the Foundation (like above), or in the front yard. Out on a date or just hanging out at home. Deborah's smile is a welcome beacon in my life for the last 17 years. And for many, many more years to come. 

 “Smile, it is the key that fits the lock of everybody’s heart.” – Anthony J. D’Angelo

Thanks, Sweetie...for opening my heart. You fit perfectly. 

A Wondrous Journey (Ch. 6) - An Unforgettable River Adventure

 "The best gift you could have gotten her was a lifetime of adventures." ~ Lewis Carroll

Here's a recent bit of "relationship wisdom" that I've seen floating around the Internet recent (usually delivered by an attractive, laughing younger couple pointing at each other): "A successful marriage is made up of two kinds of people: One person who is boring. And one person who is crazy." It always makes me chuckle to see who is pointing at whom. 

Take a guess at who is which in our relationship. I'll give you a clue...

Mr. Boring and Mrs. Crazy - Carmel CA 2017

There is no question that Deborah is the more daring, more adventurous soul between the two of us. Though I've traveled a little more than she has, she is the one who has always been more excited to take us off to do something with a little risk in it - just a wee bit of "danger". And to be honest, that's probably what attracted this shy guy to her! 

There was an epic adventure that we went on early in our relationship that I will never forget. Looking back, I'm sure I would've never done this by myself, but now am so glad that I did. And an added bonus was that we learned things about ourselves (individually and as a couple) that have been priceless, and the adventure we shared in is part of our love history as a couple. It brought us closer together.

Rafting the Rogue River - July 11 2005

The scenic Rogue River and Hellgate Bridge

It was our 1st summer together and Deborah decided that we should take a July afternoon and go white-water rafting down the scenic Rogue River. This beautiful stretch of water is right in our backyard so to speak - just 10 minutes away from home. She had gone rafting a few times in her previous marriage, but I had never done anything like this in my life. But I was "brave" (more likely very naive), and because I was in love I was willing to do anything the woman of my dreams wanted to do. So off we went for a nice afternoon float. Uh. Yeah.

We decided to do the float from Hog Creek to Galice: described as "...an excellent novice run...and ultra pleasant". As we rode in the shuttle van to our drop-off point, both Deborah and I sat silently: Me, just bouncing along with the ride; she (I later learned) a bit nervous.  The shaggy-haired teen driving gave us the only rafting instruction/advice that he deemed necessary. He simply said: "Just remember. If you fall in, "Noses and toes up!". Swell. We reached Hog Creek. And took the obligatory selfie.

Deborah at Hog Creek - Still smiling

We lowered the two person kayak gently into the river. Gingerly boarded it - life-jackets snugly fastened. The guide let go of the kayak - and we suddenly shot down the river like we were on a wild mare loosed from the rodeo chute! Bucking and bouncing off waves while the two of us - Deborah in front, me in the back - scrambled to figure out which end of our oars were the "working" ends!

Hog Creek ramp - Don't let the looks fool you!

The next 3 miles down river through Hellgate Canyon can be summed up in the following exchanges between the two of us (each of which occurred more than once!):

Deborah:    "Oh my God, Jonathan! We're headed right for the big rock!"

Me:            "Relax, Sweetie. It's all ok." BUMP!! (backwards)

Deborah:     "Go STRAIGHT, Jonathan! Everytime I let you paddle, we go backwards!"

Me:            "Relax, Sweetie. I know what I'm..." WHACK!! SPLASH!"

Me:            "Wow! Wasn't that exciting!"

Deborah:    "YOU'RE NOT EVEN WET!" Paddle splash!!

Me:            Now wet

The climax of this part of the "float" - as we pinballed from one riffle to another down the Rogue - somehow avoiding being flipped into the blue water - was the following exchange: One that taught me a valuable lesson (one I've never forgotten) about what NOT to say to a woman at anytime. Ever. 

Typical view as we bounced along

Deborah:    "Jonathan. You need to paddle straight and harder!"

Me:            "We'd be FINE, if you'd just stop flailing around."

A moment of silence now for that infinitely stupid thing to say. I'm sure you're wincing as you read it. I am. I was younger, and much dumber in the ways of relationships back then. 

Deborah:    "Flailing? Flailing?. All right then."

And promptly crossed her arms, took her oars out of the water and left me to "manly-muscle" the two person kayak around the river on my own until I apologized most sincerely. 

The last couple of miles were a little calmer (both in the boat and on the river!). We glided past the Morrison River Lodge, and then pulled out at the Galice Resort. We were grateful to have made it without a single splash into the river (we credit that to Deborah's great sense of balance - and luck!). And, as you can see, we still had smiles for each other. 

End of the Hog Creek-Galice adventure. Still smiling!

Not exactly an ace rafter - but happy to make it!

"In life it's not where you go, it's who you travel with." ~ Charles Schultz

There is no question that two people can learn a lot about each other when they travel together or go out "adventuring" as we did on this summer day 17 years ago. 

You learn about the importance of patience - and forgiveness. You learn about how each person reacts to stress or unexpected twists and turns. You learn about perseverance and inner strength. You learn about trust. And most importantly, you learn about the limitations you're willing to step through - all in the name of love. 

I'm grateful for all the adventures we've shared since that July afternoon on the Rogue River. I'm sure I'll write about many more of them in future entries. Each of them as helped the two of us weave a quilt of love together that has grown bigger and tighter as time has passed. 

Still kinda crazy about each other

"Here's to all the places we went, and here's to all the places we'll go. And here's to me, whispering again and again and again. I love you." ~ John Green

Amen to that. I may be the boring one still. But I know one person I'm crazy about. Always will be.